because in the end,

this road that leads to your final destination is not a single one.

there are other paths.

some rockier.

some steadier.

some which you wish you never had to set foot on.

the same goes to people.

there are people who make you smile.

some who make you cry.

but you owe them everything for who you are today.

even if it was just a smile, a hello or a warm hug,

it matters.

some more than the others.

.

.

.

contract mode one. legal methods mode on. God bless me (X.X)

on another note,

two days to go.

thanks kids for replying to my craziness yesterday.

it's good to know that this part of you is still there.

#twitteraddiction

one should really check it out.

all the best kiddies,

all my love :)

The taiwan trip does come with a huge price.

Missing one midterm during the trip.

Having one Midterm right after i come back.

Missing one presentation during too!

Ah,

pressure is on!

so many things to dooooo! how lah!

.

.

.

on another note,

3 days to go my dearies!

I hope you guys are ready as ever!

*Exam mode on*

hehe :D

"Here's to you, hoping that someday, you'll realize that I really did care."

the thing about you and me.i realize our radars do not always match.except for the last few months in 2009.

but i'll try my best.and hope you do too.i always fight for what i know is worth it,

but the thing is kid,

i cannot fight forever.

Paper Stars

Sometimes i wish so hard that i could be the on giving you scholarship advice.

I wish so hard that i could be the one helping you through your interviews.

I wish so hard,

that things could be different.

So that i can stand a little taller in front of you when you tell me about your plans for the future.

I think that may be if i had worked that much harder.

If i had pushed myself that much further.

Slept that much less.

Than maybe, maybe i would not be in this state.

This applies to all three of you.

Jon, Fif and Mi.

I wish that i could have made you that much prouder of me.

Someone that you can look up to and turn to in this matter.

For now,

all i can do is to continue folding these stars.

Each one representing my love,hopes and dreams for you.

All of you are gonna be great.

You just don't know it yet.

So let me fold these pieces of paper.

One by one,

Wishing, hoping 

that it would be enough.

4 days to go.

All the best my loves.

you don't just quit.

you don't give up just because it's getting rough.

you fight.

you hold on.

you pester.

you persist.

you hope and pray that you're not overdoing it.

you do it based on gut instincts.

you answer when you feel the distress signals.

you make way when you feel that it's alright.

you smile and you cry to yourself.

you give.

you take a little.

you pray.

you hope.

you bargain.

and plead with God.

and just desperately believe that you're doing it right.

in the end,

you just hope for the very best.

This is the sappy side of me.

Yeah.
As most of you should probably already know,

Jess is a very emotional girl.

She tries to change it, but, oh well.

She's especially emotional when it comes to good byes.
.
.
.

.

And the funny thing is that this time, it's not even my good bye to say.

It's like an indirect one.
Anyway,

i went back to my high school today.
And it was pretty emotional.

For me at least.

They have grown,

oh how they have grown.

From the kids who barely knew how to carry themselves,
now soon to be scholars, talking about economics and world issues

The same people who once depended on you for advice are now in turn giving them.
Once heartbroken over a breakup, now happy in new relationships. 

Once defiant and almost ignorant students,

Now captains and student leaders.

Once the adiks and the budaks,

now in turn becoming the abangs and kakaks.

Realizing that they are leaving and having a future of their own somehow freaks me out a little.

I can imagine it.

It'll be scholarships, going overseas, meeting cooler new people.

and somehow,

that kicks in my insecure side.

for that moment,i felt so small.

what if they have awesome lives and forget the existence of this one,

very ordinary,somewhat naggy kakak?

omg that makes me feel so sappy.

looking through the old photos.

old conversations playing in my mind.

there used to be a time where opening my locker was such a thrill.

walks from the locker to prep were so amusing.

being in the studio was just paradise.

they are so matured now.

they understand things so much better now.

how did they turn into such adults?

since when problem solving and shouldering responsibilities came to them as second nature?

is there still a role left for me to play?

proud.

so very proud.

when my seniors came back and told me i have grown,

that i have changed.

i could not comprehend.

i was just who i was,

just learning as i go along.

now i get it.

i see it in their eyes.

in their choice of words.

in the way the juniors treat them with such respect.

they have taken over my role,

just as i took over the role of my seniors.

what is this that i feel?

pride.

love.

sentimentality. 

remind me,

why were we in such a rush to grow up?

why were you kids in such a rush to grow up?

akak sayang awak semua sangat2.

tak kesah betapa lama akak tak call,

tak kesahlah kalau awak tak balas message.

kalau awak awak nie lupe dekat akak sekalipun,

akk sentiasa doakan awk,

doakan awk sihat,

doakan awk berjaya.

doakan awk sentiasa bahagia.

this goes to each and every one of you.

just,

be good.

and be great.

love,

k.jess.

i am happy.
hee.
ain't that obvious?
News just got in.
Congratulations to
Amira Isa and Shamsul Arifie (Po'ek,my mentee).
They got 4 flat for their exams.
We will make it too.
We are taking the path not taken.
Have faith.
Loves!

results.

haven't we all felt that way?
our hearts racing,sweat dripping down our backs and foreheads.
THE announcement that will supposedly change our lives forever.

Dearest Esplendors,
( for those who don't know, this is the name of the batch of students in my high school that took their PMR this year)
I don't think any of you read my blog,
but i want to do this anyway,
if you happen to read this, tell your friends too okay?
first and foremost, do know that i am proud to tell the world that you are my juniors,
my brothers and sisters from a place i once called home.
"A's" are just a tiny part of determining how successful you are.
Yes, most of you feel like the world has come crashing down,
like there's never gonna be sunlight again.
Guess what? the sun is gonna rise again.
You'll realize that life goes on and today would just be another day of the past.
This is not the end of your journey,
its merely the beginning.
Work hard,prove to the world that better things are yet to come.
Do not let this obstacle determine who you are.
Do not let KYS determine who you are.
Do not let the negative comments determine who you are.
Wanna know what i see?
I see an army of young intelligent minds,
keen and ready to prove themselves in the coming battles.
I see the same faces i saw during your selection,
now matured and armed for the war.
Let that fire and determination define you.
Fight, have faith and never ever give up.
Do not place the blame on those who didn't make it.
Comfort them,
wipe away their tears,
remind them that they are not alone.
Help them stand up again.
Let them see that you are a family,
and you've got their backs for always.
Ignore the non believers.
I believe in all of you,
and so should you, believe you can!
Remember Esplendor,
hold your head up high!
the best is yet to come :)
Best wishes!
Lotsa love and care,
K.Jess :)

NADIA AND SUFFIAN AND BRYAN AND NADZRIF CAME JUST NOW!!!!
Sara couldn't make it but if you are reading this i MISS YOU so MUCH gk!!!
OMG!!
that like totally made my day.
so happy la this week.
and the weeks to come.
carolling last weekend
surprise visit today
christmas party tomorrow night
home for weekend on friday
christmas party next tuesday
home again for new year.
maybe going to Tangkak the week after next.
than finals ==
better make sure i study hard.
can go have fun but,
yeah :)

welcome back kid.
i missed having you around.
Praise the Lord :)

Warwick
University College London
MIT

these names are appearing more often on my friends' facebook pages.
Congrats buddies,
I wish you all the very best.
I will continue my fight here.
And be thankful for what i have.
I will take this as an opportunity for me to spend more time at home with my family.
no,
I am not comparing what i have with what you do.
I am just trying to look at it in a different light,
and understand His will.
May God bless :)

yay!
critical thinking exam was fine :)
i guess Jesus really does pamper me.
i can already hear Him saying,
"Don't take things for granted young lady! You must work hard than only Daddy can help".
yes boss! :))
anyway,
it was an awesome week at home,
ate,sleep,laughed,talked and laughed somemore.
pa was telling me about laughter yoga.
can u believe that our brain can't differentiate between fake and real laughter?
even if u are insincere about your laugh, you body would still produce endorphines anyway.
cool!
jo went for a trip to pd.
pray for his safety ya!
and ma,
like usual kena cucuk by me :)
i have a perfect family just in case you were wondering:)



anyway,
i was browsing through the pictures uploaded by my juniors on residential selection and kuittho.
kuitho is an English Proficiency program we hold for kids in Johor.
my,my,
i wonder where i got all the energy to pull through those days.
selection especially,
you'll wake up at 4 and sleep at 1 or 2 am.
in between u gotta juggle pampered kids who are not used to dicipline,
running around trying to get the teachers all the things they need including pens ==
getting everyone everywhere on time,
ensuring they are disciplined so that they understand what they are up for,
being a good role model with only 3 hours of sleep,
no hand phones in front of the newbies,
making sure they don't fall sick,
entertaining them between sessions with silly chatter,
putting up with their "royal highness attitudes"..

goodness,
it sure is good to be young :D

hey you,
i still remember my first experience with selection.
there was one extra thing i needed to juggle,
making you smile again.

so,
speech day 2010.
funny how this the only year where i'm not going on stage for an award.
besides form 3 i suppose,
but there was no academic award to be earned in form 3.
even i n form 5 i was surprised by the half colors awards i got.
that was a gift from God.

my conclusion in this post is that SPM is the worst of the three Malaysian public exams i've taken.
haha,
exceeded expectations during UPSR.
did as expected during PMR
and fell short of my expectations during SPM?

anyway,
the list of students who got the cemerlang award for SPM has been announced.
congrats to these ppl who scored 9A+'s or more!

HADIAH PELAJAR CEMERLANG SPM 2009

1. AMIRUL AMRI BIN ABD AZIZ

2. BRYAN WEE YAN JUN

3. FATIN DALEELA BINTI ZAHARI

4. IKA HADILAH BINTI RADZRAN

5. MOHAMMAD SUFFIAN BIN HAMZAH

6. MOHD AFIQ WALID BIN HJ. MAHMOOD

7. NADZRIF BIN BIDIN

8. NOR AIMAN KHALIDAH BT AHMAD TARMIZI

9. NURIZZATI BINTI ZAINAL NAZERI

10. NURUL AQASYA BINTI ANIS

11. RADEN MUHAMMAD NORFIQRI BIN R NORAZARI

12. SARA RUZANNA YATIM BINTI SALIM

13. SYAFIAH MAHFUZAH BINTI JOHARI

14. SYAHMI AMMAR BIN MOHD NASIR

15. SYUFIKA NUR FATIN BINTI ISHAK

16. TENGKU FATIN HUWAINA BINTI TENGKU FAROK HUSSIN

17. WAN NADIRA HANIM BINTI MOHAMED ZAIMAN

You guys have made Arisz proud :)

felicia foo, this is for you.

rmmbr the night Amanda and I scolded u at the corridor? then we refused to talk for a month?

yes sis,
i remember.
and it hurt so very bad.
all i could think all the time was,
this is super stupid.
why aren't we talking over a silly thing like this?
BUT HEY!
guess what?
things are okay now.
its better than okay :)
when things are hard,
it seems like tomorrow will never come.
you inspire me sis.
all through those layers around you,
i'm glad you let me through.
remember,
you are a STRONG girl,
with so much to offer to the world.
hold on and push through.
you will make an amazing gynecologist (dunno how to spell)
you are a special individual.
stay you and be strong!
good luck!

estatic :)

and so today was an awesome day.
it started at about 9.30 in the morning and ended at 12 midnight.
somewhat like a cinderella fairy tale.
minus the pumpkin and mice.

i was happy.
i had a whole day out.
wasted a whole day out.
but it was worth every second.
because i'm with awesome people whom i love.
met new awesome people whom i fell in love with :D


haha,
yeah there was a CUTE violin player,
whom apparently is married T.T
not my luck but ah,
a girl can always dream :)
i'd love to go through it in detail,
but somethings are meant to reside in the heart....

ok fine,that was just an excuse for being lazy to type it out in detail.


but to miss Syazeleen Mustafa,
thanks for making it happen k leen.
it was an awesome awesome day.
tonight i sleep a happy girl :D

so,
semester 2 has brought forth a sorta craze of marathon-ing something.
my friends are marathon-ing gossip girl,vampire diaries, talk shows and even dragon ball.
and i thought i was set on marathon-ing on books.
i miss reading,
and now that i have the time,
i set myself towards that direction.
and on an even more matured path of non fictional books.
haha.

but tonight i took a detour and ended up watching america's next top model.
i made it through 6 episodes and decided to call it a night.
lesson learnt?
personality is the key.
and frankly,
i am a little worried about that.
i have never been ultra confident of my personality.
somehow,somewhere in kys,
i sorta stumbled and was put on a search to gain my personality.
of what makes me,me.
andto be honest,
i was confused.
form one was filled with insecurity by y incompetency in sports,those seniors were hell.
form two was a steadier ground,
form 3 was more of a rocky sea,happy to get that cc post,
form 4 was an emotional terror and wreck.
form 5 was torn between wanting so badly for time to move faster and slower at the same time.

being in kys was both a blessing and a curse.
blessing for meeting those awesome awesome fantastic inspiring people.
people who made me see that it more than just getting a degree,its about acing it every step of the way.

that was also a curse,
because we became this close minded people.
B was deemed as a failure.
it errected walls of insecurity into every one of our hearts that seemed almost impossible to shatter.
i meet K ummi and she showed me the world was beyond that.
but frankly,
after i failed to attain any scholarship at all,
it just,it was disappointment big time.
my world came crashing down.
i had no strength no faith to meet my friends or teachers or juniors.

it was a wake up call from Jesus.
He was telling me i can't be on top all the time.
He was telling me its time to get up and buid it from zero again.
start from scratch.
i have to do this,
i just have to.

I need to build my personality and let it shine through.
I am not the most beautiful girl,yet i'm not ugly.
And i am blessed with brains.
Come one Jessy,
you have to nail it.

YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION.

something real long and worth reading~

lol~ this was due to k leen's comment.
i realized i wrote that but never really came around writing it.
i don't really know what's wrong.
i get these ideas to write something funny and witty~
yet when i'm in front of the screen,my fingers do not seem to be willing to coperate.

anyway,
exams were fine i suppose :)
thank God.
it was a long week,
long in the sense that my laptop crashed.
imagine being in your aprtment,
surrounded by people who are half delirious with all the exam stress,
and no internet -.-
no laptop even,
so it means no songs,no movies,no downloaded novels.
omg.
lckily i had my phone and charger,which means i still had music.
or else i would have been nuts.
lol~


so i came back after that,
and mooched around*is mooched even a word?*
and got bored with facebook..
got hooked onto a little bit of Julia Quinn and got tired of that..
and now i am finally hooked onto Hong Kong dramas :D
i was up with my mum till 1.30 yesterday marthon-ing Moonlight Ressonance
now i'm racing against time to finish up Forensic Heroes :)


did i mention that jealousy is a singularly unpleasant feeling?
it is you know
they say a little jealousy is needed in every healthy relationship,
i find jealousy irritating,
especially if you're not the one who is jealous,
but your partner or your spouse.
when i'm jealous i just keep it to myself,
however icky that feeling is.
so i suppose seeing people fight over "jealousy" amuses me most of the time :)

i have been somewhat short tempered this few days,
and my mood swings are scary.
lol
i can be agitated one minute and all lovely the next.
okay,
short tempered isn't the word.
i just get easily frustrated and annoyed.
hm,
perharps the start of a new semester would be awesome :)

oh did i mention i'm still somehow scared out of my wits of debate?
why ah?
aiyo..

okay,
i know i know,
my mind seems to be in clutters and all disorganized.
once i get back to my apartment in Malacca,
i plan on sitting down and to start writing lists.
of what to do,things to achieve and whatnot.
writing puts my mind at ease,
writing list organizes my mind,my whole self.
i'm not much of a filer,although i have held many secretary posts.
i'm more of a list writer.
i keep myslef organized that way,
list of happy things,list of sad things,list of things i like,list of thing i don't.
i like writing "to do" or "to achieve" lists most,
cause i love the satisfaction when i get to cancel something off the list :)

i think gossip girl is somewhat cool,
and vampire diaries ended ona pretty interesting note last tuesday.
but i did not make myself search for gossip girl downloads cause i didn't want to get addicted.
i searched for vamp diaries tho,
and didn't quite succeed.
suggestions anyone?
would be nice to watch it with my bro.

pmr starts on monday,
i need to give zaki a call,
he's a big boy now,
and i'm sure he'd do awesome.
my eldest adik angkat would be facing his spm soon,
and he too i'm sure would rock it.
ala,
its ashraf! he'll laugh his way through :)

i have been very happy and contented being at home for the past week.
the holidays is coming to an end and its time to open a new chapter in my life.
semester 2 is coming and may it be a happy and productive one.
my timetable isn't what i'd call ideal and i'm a little nervous to find out my sem 1 results,
but i'm determined to start sem2 with a smile,
and determined to make it a good one.
Life's short,let's live it to the fullest.


this is the most crappy blog post and i'm not sure whether its's worth reading,
but it sure is long!
and its basically the stuff that has been through my mind :)

guess what?

nadia elena called,
and it made my day :)

not that skyping for almost an hour and the half with my family doesn't help,
but talking to her has been,
refreshing.
i miss her a lot la that girl,
even my other friends could see the difference in the way talked on the phone
*i was downstairs cause lim kuan bought shao pao fr us :) tq mr kuan!*
so yeah,
she has been the one whom i really had NO walls with at all,
the one whom i would let my guard down 100%.
no that my other babes are not amazing as well,
but with her,
its just a little bit different,
and that little bit makes all the difference.
i might gush about her sometime later,
bt fr nw,
back to assignments!

*semangat much :D*

do you know why an orchestra is awesome?

imagine 80 people sitting down or standing up,
in a slight semicircle..
that make 80 different minds,
filled with 80 different thoughts and 80 different response rates..
that make 160 eyes and 160 hands,
eyes fixed on the conductors,
hands poised ready on various positions on various instruments.
all 80 people sit straight backed,only half of the chair occupied.
ready to blow,bow or hit when its time.


the conductor waves his hands,
and we play.
At the exact time,
creating harmony in music,
complementing each other,
supporting the others,
emphasizing their beauty and
covering up their flaws.

do you know how many times we practice that one bar to get it right?
from pitching to rhythm.
do you know how much we time we sacrificed trying to get that one phrase right?
the pain and tears are all worth it,
when you hear the audience gasp when the first note is stuck.
when we finally,finally get that crucial part right on the night of our performance.
the exhilaration of playing in perfect harmony,80 minds synchronizing at once.
The pride we feel when one of our members gets their solo right.

an orchestra is when 80 souls unite,
and aim for that one goal,
to produce music.
It is a story of friendship and even more than that,
its a story of teamwork,
of discipline,
of rushing from the dining hall to the studio just to warm up,
to be 5 minutes earlier so that practices can be extended for that 5 minutes.
A tale of 80 people realizing their love for music,
and are eager to share it with the world.


Now tell me,
how is that not awesome?

i had an awesome weekend =D
i watched Knight and Day with the family =)
i went out with two people that i miss a lot!
i got a digi number,which means i gt to save a lot.
And i'm happy=)

meeting you this time is different from the last.
i enjoyed your company
and i think,
i'm gonna miss you.

Take care =)

i went back..
and most of the teachers were pretty supportive..
other lashed sharp responses but i guess in a way i'm immune.
they can think what they want,
but they do not understand what i went through.
yeah,
i may not be good enough now,
but im gonna show you what a real fighter looks like.
i had fun talking to the kids tho =)
i miss them lots i guess.

p/s: i learnt that not everything is for us to control and care about.care,but not too much.there's a limit to a person's sanity

p.p/s : there are always those who care.who still thinks you're great even when you can bear to look at yourself in the mirror.