If I shout loud enough, would u hear me?

Growing up in an Asian community, there's always the pressure of achieving perfection. Excellent grades, excellent degree,  excellent pay, excellent husband and eventually having excellent kids to continue the cycle. Excellence has always been the mantra from day one.

Now don't get me wrong. This constant aim for the best has done me good. Excelling in the things you do will open up doors of opportunities. It makes things easier in the long run. Less rocky winding roads and more smooth straight paths.

And then I entered high school. This was the place that demanded perfection. Where signs of weakness are condemned, failure is severely punished. We were constantly told to be flawless, and undeniably scores of excellent studies.

But there were side effects. Side effects that became one with our being because we ignored the flaring symptoms. We created masks to conceal our pain and our fears. We became so self dependant because opening up meant revealing a weak spot for attack. We couldn't, wouldn't and blatantly refused to ask for help even when we were clearly cracking under the pressure. We pushed harder, stubbornly believing that if we held one for one more day, things would miraculously be alright. We knew that it was not a feat that would be accomplished alone. But we were just too damned proud to ask for help.

Sometimes, willpower worked. We exhale sighs of relief. Other times, we were broken.Shards of confidence n pieces of our heart scattered all over the floor. And we continue shielding these wounds from the world behind a bright smile, silent tears at night and a stream of vows promising to do better next time.

Schools and education in general work in a funny way. Despite the thousands of ways they have been  taught to achieve perfection, there wasn't a single lesson on how to deal with flaws Not one.

We were placed on the tallest pedestals when we did well, but we were left to rough it out when things got hard. It's part of the learning process they say.

Well I now plead to you, educators whom I know wish for nothing but the best for us. Teach us the lessons we need the most. Teach us to ask for help. Teach us that imperfection is acceptable. Teach us to put up the warning lights when we are sinking. Teach us that asking for help is acceptance that we can't do it alone. Teach us that silence won't solve the problem, asking for help will. Teach us that you will be there for us even when we dont deserve it, and that you will be the help we were looking for. Teach us, sir, that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but that of humility and strength.

Ask for help because you deserve to be rescued. Ask for help and you will receive. Ask for help even when you don't know what you need. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to feel exhausted. Its okay to want to cry. So ask. Help will come, and things will not be so bad any longer. Ask.

Since young love is spreading round,

there's nothing wrong with a little sappy post eih?

:)
generally these are the things that I believe girls look for in a guy ;)
Contrary to popular belief,
Good girls don't always like bad boys.
We like boys who :

we don't need him to worry about his looks more than us!

humor is ALWAYS an added bonus.

and not the vulgar kind ,please.

We respect guys who respect us :)

this trick always works,

especially if it smells good;

wait, only if it doesn't smell bad XD

And of course,
guys who take the first step.
When he :

or

it matters.
it always matters.
it may seem small,
but it shows us you care; and that you're serious.

And then there's this issue of security.
We love it when guys :

when he's with or away from us. 

from all the dangers of the world :) 


and when they do all these :

 

just to remind us that we are special.

that no matter how insecure and badly we see ourselves,
they know better.
and that they chose us because they see the beauty in us.
and want us to see the same :)

and we girls love to know that he :

cause if he's so perfect that he can do everything on his own,

what are we doing in his life?

And of course the cheesy added bonuses when he :

and star gazing too! :D

 ;)

we like these although we don't always say it out loud.
we like it simply because :)

And of course!
Sincerity.
When guys actually : 

if you can't do it,
don't promise.
this of course, applies to us girls as well.
when a guy actually :

it matters.
and just as much as you hate fake girls,

we too feel the same way.
Guys who :
.

it's just sweet to know,

that even in your conversation with God,
we are remembered :)

 And of course, guys who :

but aren't selfish enough to want to be the only reason you smile.
guys who understand that although he is a great big chunk of our lives,
he isn't the only part.
guys who appreciate our good friends,
and accept them for who they are.
Guys who are all the above would generally be the guys who :

:)
Let's make a toast to all the new relationships around.
Cheers to young love.
Cheers to old love rekindled.
Cheers to guys who make their girls feel cherished.
Cheers to girls who make the man feel complete.
Cheers to those who are still seeking;
Cheers to those who still believe that wishes on shooting stars would come true.

 Cheers! :)

p/s : all copyrights of the pictures goes to
http://theboyswho.tumblr.com/

because in the end,

this road that leads to your final destination is not a single one.

there are other paths.

some rockier.

some steadier.

some which you wish you never had to set foot on.

the same goes to people.

there are people who make you smile.

some who make you cry.

but you owe them everything for who you are today.

even if it was just a smile, a hello or a warm hug,

it matters.

some more than the others.

.

.

.

contract mode one. legal methods mode on. God bless me (X.X)

on another note,

two days to go.

thanks kids for replying to my craziness yesterday.

it's good to know that this part of you is still there.

#twitteraddiction

one should really check it out.

all the best kiddies,

all my love :)

The taiwan trip does come with a huge price.

Missing one midterm during the trip.

Having one Midterm right after i come back.

Missing one presentation during too!

Ah,

pressure is on!

so many things to dooooo! how lah!

.

.

.

on another note,

3 days to go my dearies!

I hope you guys are ready as ever!

*Exam mode on*

hehe :D

"Here's to you, hoping that someday, you'll realize that I really did care."

the thing about you and me.i realize our radars do not always match.except for the last few months in 2009.

but i'll try my best.and hope you do too.i always fight for what i know is worth it,

but the thing is kid,

i cannot fight forever.

wait.
i just realized.
now it makes sense.
now i understand why it's so hard.
and why i am so afraid
it wasn't once.
it was twice.
oh my god.
twice.

tonight,

i broke all the rules i set for myself.

its okay,

will do better tomorrow.

it is important to remember that we are only human.

when we make mistakes,

try not to beat yourself up too badly.

do something, fail.

do it again,fail better.

here's to a more fulfilling tomorrow =)

it gets harder when people expects it to be easy for you.
it's harder because sometimes people assume your grades falls from the sky right onto your result transcript.
it's not easy.
it's never easy.
studying for me is as hard and blood dripping and exhausting for me as it is for you.
it was never easy.
i keep going not because i've had it easy.
i keep going because it's gonna be worth it one day.
so don't,
don't look at me and tell me i've had it easy.
that's just bullshit.

A gentle reminder to all girls out there,

"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys won't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree"

there is NOTHING wrong with you.

you are PERFECT.

just the way you are :)

cheers!

The biggest problem with humans

is that we take things for granted.

we assume that we will live forever and have an eternity to do what we wanna do.

for example,

i was typing out a few blog posts about debate and many other fragmented thoughts.

i assumed that i would have the time to post them.

now i've lost the feel and they'll never be published.

today is one day before Hari Raya.

A beautiful celebration that everyone looks forward to.

The mercun and the lemangs and the house visiting.

Today is also the day that the news of two more loss reached me.

While the world is busy being happy and excited for tomorrow,

two families mourning the deaths of a loved one while the rest of the world celebrates.

see now,

the thing is i am not advocating that we live our lives so fearful of death that we stop living.

i just needed to remind everyone (even myself)

that we are NOT immortal.

that we are NOT invincible.

that our loved ones are NOT immortal or invincible.

that we WILL die one day.

so let's stop saying that we would do that tomorrow.

let's stop contemplating whether or not to let that person know i love them.

let's stop being mean just because we are in a bad mood.

let's stop for a moment and hold our tongue, because those might be the last words that you might ever say to them.

let's stop taking things for granted.

stay safe,

and have a happy raya.

the thing about heating water

is that if it's too hot,

it'll evaporate into nothingness.

if it's not hot enough,

then obviously it won't boil.

you'd have to keep it at that certain temperature.

being patient and watching over it.

making sure the heat is just right.

ahh,

random fragmented thoughts that makes no sense,

i know =)

oh well,

the weather is playing trick s on me again.

the moment i soak my clothes for washing,

it threatens to rain.

back to assignments then.

have an awesome day people!

cheers!

xx

like a potato

i fell.

yeah.

not in any metaphorical poetic manner.

but like literally fell.

hard on my knees, supported by my palms.

why it happened is not that important,

its more like what it made me realize.

in life we need to fall.

in those unexpected moments, we fall.

it hurts,

gives you a bruise,

and a reluctance to stand up again;

for fear or the dizziness or fear or falling again.

its okay to catch your breath.

to take a moment or two to allows things to settle.

but its important to fall.

and even more important to be able to stand again.

on facebook, the Today God wants You to know application told me :

that you learn what you do. If you worry a lot, then day after day you are learning how to worry even better. If you think about doing something a lot, then you are learning how to think about doing. Every moment you are happy, you are learning how to be even happier. Every time you act, you are learning how to take an action even better. What is it that you've been learning today? What is it that you want to learn tomorrow?

so what is it that i wanna learn?

as for now,

I want to learn to let go.

Let loose those that bring more harm than good.

Let go of the past, there's a reason why it did not make it to the future.

Let go of things that hurt, and let the wound heal.

Let go of past humiliations and faults,its okay to make mistakes.

Let go of the bitterness, cause thinking about bitterness makes me bitter.

Just let go,

and strive towards the future.

and have faith that the best is yet to arrive.

tired.

really tired.

just wanna close my eyes and make it all go away.

i'm going home this week,

all will be well.

goals.

and its been awhile since i've actually trully set a goal for myself.

infact,i've been so insecure of my abilities for the past few years that i've ever dared to set up a goal for myself.

as of today,

i have 3 targets to hit.

1) first class for sem 1 of degree

2) national novice debate.

3) weight control.

frankly,

it seems kinda out of my reach.

but i'll try.

and if people laugh at me if i fail,

i'll just walk with my head held high.

cause i fought.

and that's all that matters.

and once again,it hits me.when i'm unaware,when i'm off guard.when i didn;t even know it could hurt me.

it strikes again.

so,

i am leaving tonight for my first ever DEBATE TOURNAMENT!

haha,

hold your horses people,

i am merely going as an observer.

but the cool thing is,

i get to watch the best team in MMU debate.

and that includes our trainer,BC!

he's as close to a debate God as we can ever ask for =/

so yeah :)

teehee!

on a totally unrelated note,

the pressure is mounting.

assignments are not as easy as they were in foundation.

tutorials are just this never ending stream =/

and the matter we have to absorb is well,

tough.

bleh,

pray hard people.

we will make it!

loves.

Balance

there's this line.
there's always this line between not enough and too much.
and what we all aim for is to be on the line,
where the balance exist.
the line between work and play.
the line between joy and pain.
the line between success and failure.
the line between friends and lovers.
the line between wants and needs.
the line,is all that we need to aim for.
>,<

Hello people.
I apologize for being MIA for such a long span of time.
Lack of inspiration has placed me on a writer's block mode.
Anyway,
i am now officially a first year DEGREE student!
*claps claps claps*
and whoever who said the first year is the honeymoon year is either
a) a crazy nutcase genius
b) a crazy nutcase that does not care about the future
c) has enough money to last the a lifetime.
My Lord,
it is NOT easy at all.
The sight of the thickness of my books (and the pricing)
and the number of those thick books is enough to make alarms bang crazily in my brain and give me palpitations and make me hyperventilate.
okay fine, that may be a teeny weeny bit exaggerated,
but seriously.
degree is so NOT a piece of cake.
The assignments are scary.
The amount of things that i realize i do not know is also scary.
Meh.
I have midterms in two weeks and i feel like the semester barely started.
haha.
my favourite subject for now has got to be constitutional law.
i have an awesome-oh-so-knowledgeable lecturer which makes you wanna learn more instead of fleeing to the other end of the world when you open a consti text book.
he;s cool like that.
.
.
.
on a different note,
i joined DEBATE!
for REAL!
i really hope i can make it for real this time.
I am not aiming to be a super world debater or even national debater for that matter.
it would be nice if i can make it on to the team,
but what's more important is that i learn to be comfortable with myself expressing my views and opinions.
and of course,
to have a view and an opinion.
to achieve that i have to start to be this religious news reader and an avid reader of all those "grown up" books.
woah.
imagine me saying that.
the only books i used to read were textbooks and story books.
the trainer BC was very motivational that night.
he taught me that believing in myself is vital.
it is necessary,
like the air we breathe.
i can be very honest,
debate spooks me out.
cause in high school,
i was always surrounded by these awesome debaters like Sara and Nadia.
and i always felt as if i'd never be at par with them.
but what BC said made me realize that i actually want to be heard.
i just never realized that.
and it also made me realize that my opinion matters.
cause no other person knows what i feel,
or how i think.
even if they do,
they cannot express it the exact way i would.
the message may be conveyed,
but never the way it would have if i made the speech personally.
i matter,
and it's okay to matter.
and it's okay to be scared and
it's okay to want to overcome the fear.
it's okay to want to learn.
it's okay.
and the knowledge of that is empowering and uplifting and inspiring and simply enlightening.
.
.
.
.
this semester feels different.
i have this brave and daring streak in me.
i have no idea where it came from,
but the enthusiasm to participate has returned.
and the fear of embarrassing myself has diminished to a manageable level.
this feels good.
it feel like the anticipation and butterflies before an orchestra performance.
and that feeling is beautiful.
maybe my ego is cushioned by a good week this week,
but its good.
and i hope to make it last.
this spark,
it needs to last.
i realized that being raised as a Malaysian,
i tend to be too dependable.
that;s how we are.
We depend on others to make us happy.
This semester it is the realization that choosing to do what i want to do is a good thing to depend on.
the dependancy on self sufficiency.
haha,
i wonder if that makes any sense at all.
.
.
.
law outing tomorrow,
retiring early for the night.
xx

i just want this week to be over.
fast.
and hopefully good.
tired.

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

doing academic essay,
for the final time.
there's a slight nostalgic feel.
semester 3 is coming to an end.
foundation is coming to an end.
oh man.
i shall miss it =(

“No,

you don’t get to break down,

you don’t get to fall apart.

not when there is still a chance

and there still is a chance ,

okay?”

there are still rainbows and stars and family and friends (=