the girl who silenced the world for five minutes

saya takut.
saya stress.
sekian.
.

Taiwan has been an amazing experience.
But right now with the amount of things waiting for me to complete,
i doubt i'll be around much.
Assignments, midterms, preparations all awaiting.

Lord give me strength.

please pray for me people.

i will need it.

little things.

because sometimes its the little thing that matters.
that pat on the back.
that unexpected phone call or text.
that random statement.
that smile.
that silly song you saw on youtube.
these are the little things that matter.
because and just because :)

Because tomorrow is what i consider to be a full circle.

A full stop.

I hope today was not a waste of time.

And tomorrow,

Has to be productive.

And more patient.

time for a clean slate.

and drastic transformations :D

Why TV Series are hazardous

Because one episode can throw you completely off guard.

you can call it a profound wake up call.

you can call it just another show on the tv.

but the reason why these shows are so appealing,

is because they explore the parts of life you never dreamt could happen.

this goes both ways,

the extreme happiness

or the extreme sadness.

so don't say you had a terrible day.

unless you know what terrible really is.

life lesson learnt.

because in the end,

this road that leads to your final destination is not a single one.

there are other paths.

some rockier.

some steadier.

some which you wish you never had to set foot on.

the same goes to people.

there are people who make you smile.

some who make you cry.

but you owe them everything for who you are today.

even if it was just a smile, a hello or a warm hug,

it matters.

some more than the others.

.

.

.

contract mode one. legal methods mode on. God bless me (X.X)

on another note,

two days to go.

thanks kids for replying to my craziness yesterday.

it's good to know that this part of you is still there.

#twitteraddiction

one should really check it out.

all the best kiddies,

all my love :)

The taiwan trip does come with a huge price.

Missing one midterm during the trip.

Having one Midterm right after i come back.

Missing one presentation during too!

Ah,

pressure is on!

so many things to dooooo! how lah!

.

.

.

on another note,

3 days to go my dearies!

I hope you guys are ready as ever!

*Exam mode on*

hehe :D

"Here's to you, hoping that someday, you'll realize that I really did care."

the thing about you and me.i realize our radars do not always match.except for the last few months in 2009.

but i'll try my best.and hope you do too.i always fight for what i know is worth it,

but the thing is kid,

i cannot fight forever.

When life brings you to your knees,

do you realize that you are in the perfect position to pray?

Well, 

I'm currently in that time of a semester.

Where the assignment and tutorials keep on rolling in.

Endlessly.

And the degree of difficulty seems like too much to bear.

The research it demands.

The interviews that are pending.

The wait for people to reply,

All the while pleading that they would take the time to read the email.

The worries about things that are so non-existent

The drama presentation yet to come.

How?

So much to think about.

How to write the script?

How to make these people work?

How do i make them care?

And the midterms.

Taiwan is like my lifelong dream.

To actually go overseas, heavily sponsored.

But to think of the amount of things waiting for me to come back to.

Urgh.

So this is the time of the semester.

Just like the time i was worried about the business project.

And the English drama presentation.

And Madam Maizatul's presentation.

This time,

once again i'm driven to my knees with worry.

About the tenant issue disturbing my dad.

About mama's blood pressure.

About ah jo's stress for the exams.

and all the assignments and worry about marks.

with certain lecturers being scary.

Once again i find myself in the perfect position to pray.

And once again, 

The Lord has the same reply.

" All will be well My Child. Believe that i am the Maker of Miracles. Believe that I can do the Impossible. You do your part and leave the difficult stuff to me. Pray and Believe. Rest in the faith that I will make things right"

And once again i'm leaving it into his Hands.

Pray people.

It has never failed.

Paper Stars

Sometimes i wish so hard that i could be the on giving you scholarship advice.

I wish so hard that i could be the one helping you through your interviews.

I wish so hard,

that things could be different.

So that i can stand a little taller in front of you when you tell me about your plans for the future.

I think that may be if i had worked that much harder.

If i had pushed myself that much further.

Slept that much less.

Than maybe, maybe i would not be in this state.

This applies to all three of you.

Jon, Fif and Mi.

I wish that i could have made you that much prouder of me.

Someone that you can look up to and turn to in this matter.

For now,

all i can do is to continue folding these stars.

Each one representing my love,hopes and dreams for you.

All of you are gonna be great.

You just don't know it yet.

So let me fold these pieces of paper.

One by one,

Wishing, hoping 

that it would be enough.

4 days to go.

All the best my loves.

you don't just quit.

you don't give up just because it's getting rough.

you fight.

you hold on.

you pester.

you persist.

you hope and pray that you're not overdoing it.

you do it based on gut instincts.

you answer when you feel the distress signals.

you make way when you feel that it's alright.

you smile and you cry to yourself.

you give.

you take a little.

you pray.

you hope.

you bargain.

and plead with God.

and just desperately believe that you're doing it right.

in the end,

you just hope for the very best.

wait.
i just realized.
now it makes sense.
now i understand why it's so hard.
and why i am so afraid
it wasn't once.
it was twice.
oh my god.
twice.

This is the sappy side of me.

Yeah.
As most of you should probably already know,

Jess is a very emotional girl.

She tries to change it, but, oh well.

She's especially emotional when it comes to good byes.
.
.
.

.

And the funny thing is that this time, it's not even my good bye to say.

It's like an indirect one.
Anyway,

i went back to my high school today.
And it was pretty emotional.

For me at least.

They have grown,

oh how they have grown.

From the kids who barely knew how to carry themselves,
now soon to be scholars, talking about economics and world issues

The same people who once depended on you for advice are now in turn giving them.
Once heartbroken over a breakup, now happy in new relationships. 

Once defiant and almost ignorant students,

Now captains and student leaders.

Once the adiks and the budaks,

now in turn becoming the abangs and kakaks.

Realizing that they are leaving and having a future of their own somehow freaks me out a little.

I can imagine it.

It'll be scholarships, going overseas, meeting cooler new people.

and somehow,

that kicks in my insecure side.

for that moment,i felt so small.

what if they have awesome lives and forget the existence of this one,

very ordinary,somewhat naggy kakak?

omg that makes me feel so sappy.

looking through the old photos.

old conversations playing in my mind.

there used to be a time where opening my locker was such a thrill.

walks from the locker to prep were so amusing.

being in the studio was just paradise.

they are so matured now.

they understand things so much better now.

how did they turn into such adults?

since when problem solving and shouldering responsibilities came to them as second nature?

is there still a role left for me to play?

proud.

so very proud.

when my seniors came back and told me i have grown,

that i have changed.

i could not comprehend.

i was just who i was,

just learning as i go along.

now i get it.

i see it in their eyes.

in their choice of words.

in the way the juniors treat them with such respect.

they have taken over my role,

just as i took over the role of my seniors.

what is this that i feel?

pride.

love.

sentimentality. 

remind me,

why were we in such a rush to grow up?

why were you kids in such a rush to grow up?

akak sayang awak semua sangat2.

tak kesah betapa lama akak tak call,

tak kesahlah kalau awak tak balas message.

kalau awak awak nie lupe dekat akak sekalipun,

akk sentiasa doakan awk,

doakan awk sihat,

doakan awk berjaya.

doakan awk sentiasa bahagia.

this goes to each and every one of you.

just,

be good.

and be great.

love,

k.jess.

:)

it's time for change :)

tonight,

i broke all the rules i set for myself.

its okay,

will do better tomorrow.

it is important to remember that we are only human.

when we make mistakes,

try not to beat yourself up too badly.

do something, fail.

do it again,fail better.

here's to a more fulfilling tomorrow =)

Little life lessons learnt

Miracles DO happen.
What else can explain the fact that i found my ixora card on the dark walkway , just when i decided to look down?
perhaps it's a prayer answered. :)
ah,
many thoughts in my mind.
but looking forward to tomorrow! :)