Hello people.
I apologize for being MIA for such a long span of time.
Lack of inspiration has placed me on a writer's block mode.
Anyway,
i am now officially a first year DEGREE student!
*claps claps claps*
and whoever who said the first year is the honeymoon year is either
a) a crazy nutcase genius
b) a crazy nutcase that does not care about the future
c) has enough money to last the a lifetime.
My Lord,
it is NOT easy at all.
The sight of the thickness of my books (and the pricing)
and the number of those thick books is enough to make alarms bang crazily in my brain and give me palpitations and make me hyperventilate.
okay fine, that may be a teeny weeny bit exaggerated,
but seriously.
degree is so NOT a piece of cake.
The assignments are scary.
The amount of things that i realize i do not know is also scary.
Meh.
I have midterms in two weeks and i feel like the semester barely started.
haha.
my favourite subject for now has got to be constitutional law.
i have an awesome-oh-so-knowledgeable lecturer which makes you wanna learn more instead of fleeing to the other end of the world when you open a consti text book.
he;s cool like that.
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.
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on a different note,
i joined DEBATE!
for REAL!
i really hope i can make it for real this time.
I am not aiming to be a super world debater or even national debater for that matter.
it would be nice if i can make it on to the team,
but what's more important is that i learn to be comfortable with myself expressing my views and opinions.
and of course,
to have a view and an opinion.
to achieve that i have to start to be this religious news reader and an avid reader of all those "grown up" books.
woah.
imagine me saying that.
the only books i used to read were textbooks and story books.
the trainer BC was very motivational that night.
he taught me that believing in myself is vital.
it is necessary,
like the air we breathe.
i can be very honest,
debate spooks me out.
cause in high school,
i was always surrounded by these awesome debaters like Sara and Nadia.
and i always felt as if i'd never be at par with them.
but what BC said made me realize that i actually want to be heard.
i just never realized that.
and it also made me realize that my opinion matters.
cause no other person knows what i feel,
or how i think.
even if they do,
they cannot express it the exact way i would.
the message may be conveyed,
but never the way it would have if i made the speech personally.
i matter,
and it's okay to matter.
and it's okay to be scared and
it's okay to want to overcome the fear.
it's okay to want to learn.
it's okay.
and the knowledge of that is empowering and uplifting and inspiring and simply enlightening.
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.
.
.
this semester feels different.
i have this brave and daring streak in me.
i have no idea where it came from,
but the enthusiasm to participate has returned.
and the fear of embarrassing myself has diminished to a manageable level.
this feels good.
it feel like the anticipation and butterflies before an orchestra performance.
and that feeling is beautiful.
maybe my ego is cushioned by a good week this week,
but its good.
and i hope to make it last.
this spark,
it needs to last.
i realized that being raised as a Malaysian,
i tend to be too dependable.
that;s how we are.
We depend on others to make us happy.
This semester it is the realization that choosing to do what i want to do is a good thing to depend on.
the dependancy on self sufficiency.
haha,
i wonder if that makes any sense at all.
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law outing tomorrow,
retiring early for the night.
xx