Has it really been a year?
Well, at least almost a year.
Sometimes I am just amazed at how much can change in a span of 365 days or less.
If were talking to me a year ago, I'd tell you I never dared dream of meeting and having someone like you.
I'd also tell you a month later that I'd never imagine the pain of having that someone taken away from you so abruptly. It's almost like getting hit by a bus which came out of nowhere. And the pain you feel is so widespread that you can't tell bottom from up, or even where to start picking yourself up, never mind healing.
And now, a year later. I am still amazed. Amazed that healing does happen. That the Sun continues to rise, and that the Earth continues to spin on it's Axis. Amazing isn't it? How the World continues moving forward even when you feel like everything around you just shattered and burned.
So one year later, I am no longer bleeding. This is after a lifetime worth of tears, and even more self doubt and scary loneliness. But also from the support of family and friends, and Blessings from the Almighty. This is after many books, and even more articles and quotes on moving on and standing up again. This is after one amazing internship at TP and in the midst of a second one in Bin & Assoc.
Sometimes you take a step back and just marvel at how much can change, and how far you can go in a year. Most of the time we choose to look forward. It is the right direction, of course. But looking forward can be daunting, because a person like me worries all the time. Which means that while I do believe that the future will be awesome if I work for it, the problem lies with me seeing the uphill rocky road first. So in times like that, I think it is fair to look back and just give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far.
Do I still miss him? Yes, of course. I really don't think there's a way to go cold turkey and "completely forget". I don't think there's a way to un-love someone you once gave your entire heart to. It's like family, no matter how angry you are, how hurt you are, you just don't "stop loving someone". You stop thinking about them all the time because you know you need to move on. You delete all traces of any memories, and you even unfriend them on Fb. I think that's fair. Because unlike him, I am wired differently. He, and probably many others have difficulty trying to remember. Me, and those like me have trouble forgetting. I don't need a daily physical or virtual reminder, and that's okay. You don't have the urges to call/text/fb/Whatsapp/Line them anymore because you know they won't answer. They don't want you in their lives anymore. And that's okay. I miss seeing him smile at me, but I miss seeing myself smile even more. So you can only pray that that someone is safe, and loved, and is happy. Without you. And that you will be safe, loved and happy too.
Am I angry, and is he a totally ass for doing what he did? Haha, this is a tricky one. I was angry, and I do get angry once in a while. How can I not right? How is it that I was wiling to shift mountains to make it happen, while he just chose to give up? I don't know. Maybe it was because timing was just being a bitch. Maybe it was grief. Maybe he just never loved me, or never did love me enough. Maybe I just wasn't the one. I was young, and clingy and 20. It doesn't matter. But this is what I always tell people who ask me, and try to be angry on my behalf. Don't. I get to be angry because I was the one who had the rugged pulled from under my world. But he doesn't deserve anger. He was just being human, struggling with the lemons life was flinging at him at that time. I don't want to sing praises, but I know he is a good man. Whomever he chooses to love in the future will be a lucky woman, as will be the children he fathers.
I will continue having bad nights where the brain just goes in to throwback overload. But I know that morning will come. Next year this time, I truly believe that I will look back, and yet be amazed at the adventure that life has given me in the past year. So time does work wonders.
As for now, I have a family to love and pamper. Weight to lose. Self enrichment to do. Lots of reading to catch up on the basics. The love of my life to wait for. Friends to catch up with. Money to earn.And a lifetime ahead.
Next year, this time. I want to look back and yet again be amazed by myself :)
