This is the sappy side of me.

Yeah.
As most of you should probably already know,

Jess is a very emotional girl.

She tries to change it, but, oh well.

She's especially emotional when it comes to good byes.
.
.
.

.

And the funny thing is that this time, it's not even my good bye to say.

It's like an indirect one.
Anyway,

i went back to my high school today.
And it was pretty emotional.

For me at least.

They have grown,

oh how they have grown.

From the kids who barely knew how to carry themselves,
now soon to be scholars, talking about economics and world issues

The same people who once depended on you for advice are now in turn giving them.
Once heartbroken over a breakup, now happy in new relationships. 

Once defiant and almost ignorant students,

Now captains and student leaders.

Once the adiks and the budaks,

now in turn becoming the abangs and kakaks.

Realizing that they are leaving and having a future of their own somehow freaks me out a little.

I can imagine it.

It'll be scholarships, going overseas, meeting cooler new people.

and somehow,

that kicks in my insecure side.

for that moment,i felt so small.

what if they have awesome lives and forget the existence of this one,

very ordinary,somewhat naggy kakak?

omg that makes me feel so sappy.

looking through the old photos.

old conversations playing in my mind.

there used to be a time where opening my locker was such a thrill.

walks from the locker to prep were so amusing.

being in the studio was just paradise.

they are so matured now.

they understand things so much better now.

how did they turn into such adults?

since when problem solving and shouldering responsibilities came to them as second nature?

is there still a role left for me to play?

proud.

so very proud.

when my seniors came back and told me i have grown,

that i have changed.

i could not comprehend.

i was just who i was,

just learning as i go along.

now i get it.

i see it in their eyes.

in their choice of words.

in the way the juniors treat them with such respect.

they have taken over my role,

just as i took over the role of my seniors.

what is this that i feel?

pride.

love.

sentimentality. 

remind me,

why were we in such a rush to grow up?

why were you kids in such a rush to grow up?

akak sayang awak semua sangat2.

tak kesah betapa lama akak tak call,

tak kesahlah kalau awak tak balas message.

kalau awak awak nie lupe dekat akak sekalipun,

akk sentiasa doakan awk,

doakan awk sihat,

doakan awk berjaya.

doakan awk sentiasa bahagia.

this goes to each and every one of you.

just,

be good.

and be great.

love,

k.jess.

ah well,
2010 is almost drawing to a close.
Since everybody is doing this emotional end of the year nostalgic posts,
i feel obliged to do one too.
haha.
well,
2010 has been a trying year.
i almost started in HELP university college.
Headed on to Taylors for my alevels instead.
SPM results was merely satisfactory with one slacking A-..
there were tears on the failure of attaining any scholarships.
and there as the reluctance of being uprooted and transferring to MMU.
there was also an unhappy week back in Malacca.
and the slow friend making process and being close to some pretty amazing people.
there was my first 4flat in 5 years.
and also a beautiful pre birthday celebration.
there are also memories of happy times together with the family. :)
there are various surprises and happy laughter.


if i have learnt anything at all from 2010,
it would be to trust the Lord to make things right.
He knows what He is doing.
All we need to do is work hard and trust Him.

Thank you 2010,
you have taught me to be a stronger girl.
Hello 2011,
May there be better things to come.
God bless.

ho ho ho!

so, caroling 2010 was one awesome experience! at first we were kinda worried lah. practices and all attendance not convincing. than not many houses called somemore.

but praise the Lord,
he always provides for those who intend to do good :)
so when the day came, we ad a total of 10 houses to visit.
and we had fun in all the houses.
the first house, hm!
kau2 one you know the food.
rice,meehoon,potato and chicken with kicap, and these awesome cakes and pork and veggie!
fuyoh!
good start good start!
and than we continued on and every house had something to offer us.
cakes,drinks,chocolates, and sweets!

there was this one house,were there were two elderly ladies staying.
a mother and her daughter i guess.
the mother so semangat wanna prepare drinks for us until she missed the performance.
and her house got one really HUGE rosary.
according to Ivan,
after pray on that rosary God will surely forgive all our sins one :D
anyway,
she served us cold SWEET sugarcane drink and some fruits.
and than she asked us whether we could go to her sister's house,
which was just down the road.
actually,
we were already wayyyyy behind schedule and were rather cranky and tired dy lah.
but we went anyway.
and when we went the house was like all dark and quiet dy,
so being the teenagers that we are,
we were like,
"aiyoh, why like that one"
we even told the aunty that we could come the next day as we were caroling for two days.
but the aunty said her sister got up dy so we waited lah.
haiyo so long winded right me,
but yeah.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY WE CAME.
so sad you know..
so old dy living in a house alone..
she was like repeating so many many times she's so happy we came.
although we could only sing a about 3 or 4 songs for her,
she was like so very very very happy.
and pack angpao somemore.
so kesian lah :(
i couldn't help but think,
she leads such a simple life yet still gve us angpao somemore.
singing for her i just an event that we would brush off.
classes and our normal daily routines and all,
probably by next week we would forget her existance or something dy.
but for her,
that short time we spent at her house might be her christmas joy and gift or something.
i hope her children will go back and celebrate with her lah.

anyway,
the first day was epic lah.
awesome dinner in the first house
camille getting a big painful kiss from one of the jealous brothers.
adrian almost rugby tackled by a big golden retriever
forsty the dog who had this thing for Shannon's toes and ran around in circle when we were about to leave
this really really cute Eurasian boy from Australia.
that lonely aunty
the Chinese New Year looking house that gave us damn nice punya cheesecakes
and the last house where the Timur Leste children were.

This one also a sad case lah.
I dunno who they are or where they came from..
but there were about twenty kids staying in this house that was somehow isolated from the rest.
these children were under the guidance of these two Europeans.
i mean,
from what i see,
there were not suffering from extreme poverty or what lah.
the had a decent house and decent living conditions.
but they were not living with their parents.
and i dun even know how many of them there are actual siblings.
and they were SO HAPPY THAT WE CAME.
they damn semangat clap after every song you know.
so sad lah when i see things like that. reminds me of how much i take things for granted :(
classes boring lah, food not nice lah.
i dun even know whether they got chance to go to school or not :(

kayh2..so long dy i wrote.
pictures time!!!

say hi to Santa!!! notice the odd thing about this pict??

bingo! his sack! haha..santa's sack is actually Andrea's handbag.
we totally forgot we needed one :D

this is the pict of ivan explaining how 21 years of his life has been a lie because he thought Santa was a male, until he saw the bag XD

group photo before we start :)
even taking photo time also so much hastle.
motorcycle pass by also wish merry christmas.
that's why these seniors are so awesome :D

the guys with their Macho pose.

this was the first house we caroled at.
Look at the empty plates of food and our big smiles!

the guy on the right is the one that rugby- tackled- kissed- camille- by- hitting -her- boy :)
oh ya did i mention?
this was actually the house of my high school teacher,
Miss Bell!
She used to teach English.
she was like why in mmu never go overseas all ah?
meh,
that's another story,
moving on!

see this super duper cute boy?!
mother is a chinese, dad an Australian.
his dad also handsome lah,
but he is the one that has my heart.
lol,
i think he sorta convinced me to get an AngMoh hubby so that i can have cute children like him lah.
haha,
we'll see huh XD

this was the last house for the first day,
the Timur Leste house.
they built a really pretty crib with real grass!
got picture but i lazy to upload now lah.
later if you're lucky :D

last house(2nd house) for day two!
this girl right,
loves attention so much!!!
so she super happy ah we came.
she greeted us with her red glittery party santa hairband.
apparently they went also last year,
and she recognizes them :)

a picture of her just a tad bit shy at frst,leaning into shannon ko2's legs.
so funny lah,
with her hat on,
she's only as tall as shannon's waist :D

trying to fix her hairband hat with feli looking on :)

ivan anneh who carried her to touch her top of the door and giving her a sweet.

mmmm,feed her makan somemore.
she was SOOO happy that night.
everybody was like giving her full attention!

the guys and the little princess for the night.

food really epic :)
fried rice,fried kuay teow, roti john and fruit cakes!

finally,
santa know how to carry a child.
and found a kid that does not burst out crying when he goes closer to them.



after the great food,
we went to the Portugese Settlement!! really pretty!!!
but not all of us went lah.
and so the epic story for the night.
car ran out of fuel.
HAHA!
cheh so bad.
Ivan and Shannon decided not to join us..
so we said our goodbyes,
exchanged greetings and good wishes and were ready to leave for more fun and excitement when,
"knock2 on the window"
shannon : car got no fuel lah,mind helping us buy?
lol
so we bought lah.
and than at first the car couldn't start.
so with their formal clothes and all these guys had to push the car.
should have taken picture lah.
long story short,
they started the car and reached home safely i guess.
while we went on to our next adventure!!
Portugese Settlement!!!!

christmas tree!!

me and feli and joanna's magic that made it look like it was daytime.

at the jetty :)

at first there were only 3 of us...

and then everybody wanted in :)

Julie's biscuits!!

pretty lights!

me and the dancing Santa..

us and the Snowman.

look guys!!
its Rudolph :))

Joanna me and Rudolph!
Check out joanna's pants!! nice right?

oh this pict is here.
haha,guess you ppl are lucky after all.
the Timur Leste's house's crib :)

feli and adrian looking good :)

me!! XD so excited i know :DD

Joanna's magic again.
she really super pro i tell you!

Joshua's pro-ness in taking pictures :D

posing again XD

me and josh and the super important pole between us :)
i was supposed to look emo but yeah.
haha.

Adrian and his hats with lights and joshua with his glowing shirt.

last picture taken by camille.
not sure whether she edited it or effect by her camera but reallyy nice!!!


okla,
i still have a lot more on my mind but i'll save that for another post.
to,
Andrea.Camille.Joshua.Adrian.Ivan.Shannon.Anslem.Brenden(Santa).Andre.
Feli.Joanna.Andriea.

thanks for an awesome pre Christmas celebration!
i had a great time.
May God bless :)

yay!
critical thinking exam was fine :)
i guess Jesus really does pamper me.
i can already hear Him saying,
"Don't take things for granted young lady! You must work hard than only Daddy can help".
yes boss! :))
anyway,
it was an awesome week at home,
ate,sleep,laughed,talked and laughed somemore.
pa was telling me about laughter yoga.
can u believe that our brain can't differentiate between fake and real laughter?
even if u are insincere about your laugh, you body would still produce endorphines anyway.
cool!
jo went for a trip to pd.
pray for his safety ya!
and ma,
like usual kena cucuk by me :)
i have a perfect family just in case you were wondering:)



anyway,
i was browsing through the pictures uploaded by my juniors on residential selection and kuittho.
kuitho is an English Proficiency program we hold for kids in Johor.
my,my,
i wonder where i got all the energy to pull through those days.
selection especially,
you'll wake up at 4 and sleep at 1 or 2 am.
in between u gotta juggle pampered kids who are not used to dicipline,
running around trying to get the teachers all the things they need including pens ==
getting everyone everywhere on time,
ensuring they are disciplined so that they understand what they are up for,
being a good role model with only 3 hours of sleep,
no hand phones in front of the newbies,
making sure they don't fall sick,
entertaining them between sessions with silly chatter,
putting up with their "royal highness attitudes"..

goodness,
it sure is good to be young :D

hey you,
i still remember my first experience with selection.
there was one extra thing i needed to juggle,
making you smile again.

estatic :)

and so today was an awesome day.
it started at about 9.30 in the morning and ended at 12 midnight.
somewhat like a cinderella fairy tale.
minus the pumpkin and mice.

i was happy.
i had a whole day out.
wasted a whole day out.
but it was worth every second.
because i'm with awesome people whom i love.
met new awesome people whom i fell in love with :D


haha,
yeah there was a CUTE violin player,
whom apparently is married T.T
not my luck but ah,
a girl can always dream :)
i'd love to go through it in detail,
but somethings are meant to reside in the heart....

ok fine,that was just an excuse for being lazy to type it out in detail.


but to miss Syazeleen Mustafa,
thanks for making it happen k leen.
it was an awesome awesome day.
tonight i sleep a happy girl :D

sometimes i tell myself,

erase the bitterness Jess,
and carry on living.
bring only the happy things in life.

and than i realized,

life is like a piano,white keys are happy times,
while black keys are dark ones,
both keys need to be played together to create beautiful music

so i sort of figured out.

each part of your life is like written text in a book.
in permanent marker.
you can't erase it,you would not even if you could.
because that is what makes us who we are today.
we cannot rewrite the past chapters,
but we can always start a new one :)

so,
semester 2 has brought forth a sorta craze of marathon-ing something.
my friends are marathon-ing gossip girl,vampire diaries, talk shows and even dragon ball.
and i thought i was set on marathon-ing on books.
i miss reading,
and now that i have the time,
i set myself towards that direction.
and on an even more matured path of non fictional books.
haha.

but tonight i took a detour and ended up watching america's next top model.
i made it through 6 episodes and decided to call it a night.
lesson learnt?
personality is the key.
and frankly,
i am a little worried about that.
i have never been ultra confident of my personality.
somehow,somewhere in kys,
i sorta stumbled and was put on a search to gain my personality.
of what makes me,me.
andto be honest,
i was confused.
form one was filled with insecurity by y incompetency in sports,those seniors were hell.
form two was a steadier ground,
form 3 was more of a rocky sea,happy to get that cc post,
form 4 was an emotional terror and wreck.
form 5 was torn between wanting so badly for time to move faster and slower at the same time.

being in kys was both a blessing and a curse.
blessing for meeting those awesome awesome fantastic inspiring people.
people who made me see that it more than just getting a degree,its about acing it every step of the way.

that was also a curse,
because we became this close minded people.
B was deemed as a failure.
it errected walls of insecurity into every one of our hearts that seemed almost impossible to shatter.
i meet K ummi and she showed me the world was beyond that.
but frankly,
after i failed to attain any scholarship at all,
it just,it was disappointment big time.
my world came crashing down.
i had no strength no faith to meet my friends or teachers or juniors.

it was a wake up call from Jesus.
He was telling me i can't be on top all the time.
He was telling me its time to get up and buid it from zero again.
start from scratch.
i have to do this,
i just have to.

I need to build my personality and let it shine through.
I am not the most beautiful girl,yet i'm not ugly.
And i am blessed with brains.
Come one Jessy,
you have to nail it.

YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTION.

speaking of memories...

i have an excellent one..
for things that i want to remember,
at my own will of course.
and most of these things are happy memories,
memories that i treasure and intend not to forget.
but there are also those which has made me extremely upset,angry,hurt or scared.

memories to me are mostly controlled by what i'd imagine as a switch.
i'd on it when i like and off them when i don't.
but certain memories don't work that way,
they come back to haunt whether i like it or not.

anyway,
i was at my aunts house and my cousins were playing with a lego set which used to belong to me and my little brother,
and apparently,
the both of us ain't that little anymore.
but we sat down on the bed and joined them anyway.
and it was fun,extremely fun :)

i am one of those lucky girls,
who doesn't look at other families and wish i were a part of them.
i look at my family and i know that's right where i belong.
talking to my dad about economics,politics and faith and struggling to understand,
knowing he wouldn't mind if i asked a million questions.
watching movies online with my mum,
falling asleep on the chair as she waits for it to load,
teasing and having fun ith my brother,
feeling as we were 5 again...

i am one lucky girl,
and i'm thankful for that :)
have a nice week folks.

how do i feel?
hmm..
that's prbably a good question.
n there are a few good answers.

wierd.sad.glad.empty.

and i think empty is good.
i was surprised i feel asleep at 2.
i tot i wud be up the whole night.
i surprised myself again by getting up at 7,
which is usually unlikely when i sleep at 2.
i even managed to send u a text with not so many coherent words.
but im sure you understood it,
cause all u replied in a manner which implied u did.
i fell asleep again and surprised myself for the third time in one day.
i woke up precisely at nine and stared at the clock.
knowing that your plane just took off and transported u to ur next adventure.

empty is good because it indicates closure.
a proper closure.
empty is good because it means im finally,
after all the "finally's",
that im finally over u.
yeah,
im over u as a lover,
the next time we meet,
it'll be on the comfortable grounds of friendship.
or maybe even brother sisterhood.
empty means my heart and soul is free.
empty means i'm ready for the person who is meant to be.
empty means i'm strong
empty means i'll be okay.
and empty also means you'd see a different girl in two years time.

empty is good.
i think i like empty.
a lot.

do you know why an orchestra is awesome?

imagine 80 people sitting down or standing up,
in a slight semicircle..
that make 80 different minds,
filled with 80 different thoughts and 80 different response rates..
that make 160 eyes and 160 hands,
eyes fixed on the conductors,
hands poised ready on various positions on various instruments.
all 80 people sit straight backed,only half of the chair occupied.
ready to blow,bow or hit when its time.


the conductor waves his hands,
and we play.
At the exact time,
creating harmony in music,
complementing each other,
supporting the others,
emphasizing their beauty and
covering up their flaws.

do you know how many times we practice that one bar to get it right?
from pitching to rhythm.
do you know how much we time we sacrificed trying to get that one phrase right?
the pain and tears are all worth it,
when you hear the audience gasp when the first note is stuck.
when we finally,finally get that crucial part right on the night of our performance.
the exhilaration of playing in perfect harmony,80 minds synchronizing at once.
The pride we feel when one of our members gets their solo right.

an orchestra is when 80 souls unite,
and aim for that one goal,
to produce music.
It is a story of friendship and even more than that,
its a story of teamwork,
of discipline,
of rushing from the dining hall to the studio just to warm up,
to be 5 minutes earlier so that practices can be extended for that 5 minutes.
A tale of 80 people realizing their love for music,
and are eager to share it with the world.


Now tell me,
how is that not awesome?

Of friendship, food and laughter :)

Okay,let's rewind back to Friday.
It was quite a day considering we got like "fired" before noon.
Haih,
Simply put,
we were a bunch of unhappy teenagers who were angry and angry and angry.
Okay.
So, we headed back to ixora,
slaved on the essay,
to emerge not so victorious hours later.haha.
Anyway,
hungry and deciding that yee sin would appreciate some home cooked food,
I heated up mummy's curry and mui choi,
fried vege and some eggs,
asked aaron to get 3 packets of white rice..
and voila!
Happy well fed people.:)


At 5,
we went for a swim.
Silly aaron wanted to do this 1 hour endurance thingie.
And we survived!
Yee Sin, Jecklyn and Vivian watched from the side.
Lim Kuan joined us in the water,
While Jian Liang watched from the side.
We laughed and laughed and laughed.
And had a few cramped muscles.
Okay! We'll warm up next time!
*pinkie promise* =)

At 8.30,
we finally headed to MMU corner for dinner.
Those who swam had wobbly legs and rumbling tummy's..
lembik edi lar..
We went there,
Ordered food, and before mine came,
its started to pour -__-
haha
its okay,
I still ate in the end. =)

At 10.30,
I laid my head on my pillow,
ready to go to sleep.
*phone vibrates*
yee sin : *Jessica,can I come to your room for a while?*
*huh? Come to my room for what?*
* I can't seem to iron my shirt.i need help*
LOL. Seems like God has other plans for me rather than just being lazy on my bed =D

At 11.00,
I was at Yee Sin's room.
18^TH Floor yaw!!
view was awesomely breathtaking.
So, I helped her iron her shirt,
which was rubber based and nearly impossible to be wrinkle free,
managed it in the end!
for her to put t on and make it crumpled all over again ==
HAHA!
and than gave comments on her pants and makeup and what not.
I was ready to go down and than!
*OMG JECKLYN'S LEAVING! SHE DECIDED TO GO FOR MATRIX*
(0.0)

At 12 am,
we headed downstairs and had a short chat with Jecklyn,
planning an extremely last minute farewell,
and than!
*yee sin's phone vibrates*
Lim Kuan * I'm having trouble with the iron*
And thus my first experience of ironing in open air.
haha XD

Saturday,10 am.
phone vibrates ,text message from yee sin
* can you come down to ixora food court for a while?*
when I reached there,
she told me that most probably those stuck in A Famosa won't be able to come back.
and that me and Aaron Mark are the only 2 ppl available to make the party work.

At 2,
I met up with aaron mark and we decided to at least get Jecklyn a gift first.
And so we walked down and got her gift.
As wee passed by a grocery store,
I just had this urge to go in.
We were still deciding where to hold the celebration and ting!
We saw spaghetti!
I tried and error one serving for Aaron to try,
pass! =D

At 3.30,
we had another problem to solve.
Lim Kuan, Aaron Heng and Jian Liang were still stuck in A famosa.
Without them,the party wouldn't be too meaningful.
How to get them back?!
Thus,
Yee Sin and Aaron Mark got a car,
drove there using the GPRS,
and got them back in time.

At 7.30,
Aaron Mark called.
he thinks that only spaghetti wouldn't be enough.
We rushed down to the grocery store and bought 2 packs of cocktail sausages.
I just boiled it,no time la!

At about 8.30,
I arrived downstairs.
They were happy with the food.
Thank God J

i remember..
once in high school..
a bunch of boys were sitting down, acting cool..
as i passed them i heard the biggest one say,
" who on earth i stupid enough to spend so much time talking to their family?"
the rest of the gang joined in laughing..
i turned back and said loudly to him,
"I guess i'm the stupid person"
he just gawked open mouthed at me,red as a tomato.
yeah!
just spent two hours on skype with my family yesterday night..
and two hours earlier this afternoon..
i bet there's gonna be another session tonight.

I am that person stupid enough to spend so much time talking to my family,

because i have a family who cares.

i pity that boy

i was just going through the computer and i found these X)

for those of you who don't already know,

these are some of the many people who kept me sane throughout my 5 years in kys.

many more there are,

be patient while i find ur picts =D

this is Amanda Chang and Felicia Foo.

the picture is really pretty right? colorful and all..

these two people are more beautiful then the colors in here..

they have guided me and nudged me towards the right direction.

thank you very much jie2s =)

say hello to Rizham Rapidai

His favourite color is green and he is one fantastic violinist!

Like seriously, he was the concert master okay!

Being with him givews you the room to go crazy and wonky and wacky XD

This is Daeng Dhamiry and if course,Ashraf Rauf.

Daeng was once more than frens,now its better to stay as frens =D

And Ashraf? I just dedicated a whole new post for him before this =)

This is Amira Isa.
She is my kampung-mate..
I still remember the countless journeys home together..
Of jigsaw puzzles,laughing at uncle botaks and tumpang menumpang =D



This is the sei ji mui picture =)
felicia.amanda.amy.jessica+ miss chew

hello people =)
i just talked to this person on the phone.
i was convinced he disappeared from the face of Earth and he called!
jeng jeng jeng!!

tadaa!!! the big sister playing gun assassin and the little brother being macho vampire-Zoro stunt!

His name is Muhammad Ashraf bin Muhammad Rauf
He officially became my adopted brother on the 5th of April 2006 =)
When you are in a boarding school,far away from your family,
they become family..
It is then that you will not believe the saying blood runs thicker than blood..
for it is the sincerity and love that really counts =D
we have done so many crazy stuff together!

being fairies =D even i didn't have to be in pink

Ashraf is a very talented boy..
The sprints,does distance running(middle),jumps and swims like a fish!
he sings,he plays the saxophone and is very intelligent! =D

the last birthday i could celebrate with him..15th September 2009

oh,did i mention he is a very romantic person too?
not the cheesy much type..but the just nice romance surprise type =)

i snapped this picture and couldn't help finding it very2 nice..
This girl is my bestie,Nadia and she's a great girl too..

they make a cute pair XD

what makes ashraf special is,
he didn't dump his "kakak" angkat aside eventhough he was in a romantic relationship..
the was styll there for me when i needed it =)

he always strives for the best..
and is a mature boy..
but he can be really silly at times -___- (like refusing to go to the matron when he's sick!)
but that's what makes him,him!

he's always smiling..and is always positive..
He always nudges me forward when i feel like sitting in the middle of the road to break down and start crying..
"ala,kalau x reti jawab..kte kne gelakk!!! br bley jawab!!"

he always leaves me something like a sweet or chocolate or a note on my bad days just to make me smile =D

And the best part?
He would pose all those silly poses to amuse me.
HAHA!
he's a real gentleman and will be someone great someday..
i already know..
dia kan adik akak XD
so,dik..
pls take care of yourself..
i doubt you will ever read this or will even know that i have a blog..
but remember that you are special and important,
to not only me but to those who love and care for you..
So my message for you through this post is,
take a break.
RELAX!
you are not a robot and you body is not invincible..
You have already achieved a great deal and there is so much more out there for you..
but pushing yourself like this is not the way..
Falling sick and being exhausted would only push your graph downwards instead of the other way around..
So,
be a good boy and take care okay?
lotsa love and care,
kakak =)