What I want

Just a few years back, if you'd ask me what sort of relationship I would I want,

I would immediately refer you to one of those Taiwanese Dramas.

Where the hero and the heroine would go though a thousand and one obstacles before finally being together,

achieving their happily every after.

I don't think I want that anymore now.

I think that it shouldn't be such a struggle to fall in love.

It shouldn't be such a struggle to accept love,

neither should it be a struggle to give love.

My wants really is simple.

I want to be romanticized.

I want you to ask me to go out on dates, to try out that awesome place that serves the best sushi in the world.

I want to eat your favorite foods with you, even when I don't fancy it.

I want to wake up to good morning texts,and fall asleep to the sound of your voice.

I want you to save my number in your phone with some cheesy nickname.

I want a goofy picture of us to be your background picture in your phone.

I want to be the picture in your wallet.

I want you to actually remember my phone number so that you can call me, from wherever you are,

Even on days where your forgot your cell, or when it runs out of battery.

I want you to take 3 seconds of your time to send me a text, a whatsapp message or a Facebook message.

Because you know I will be waiting, dying to hear from you and using all restrain to not text you first.

And break that restraint anyway 10 minutes later.

I want you to take 3 seconds of your time to send me that text because I matter.

I want to be the shoulder you cry on, and yours mine. 

I want to be able to tell you how shitty my boss was towards me,

and you can tell me how useless your intern was today.

I want you to call me first, text me first, and you to prolong our conversations, just because you miss me.

It's okay if i'm the manja one half the time, 

but it is nice to know that you want me too.

that you need me too.

I want to be able to have fights and arguments with you,

without feeling that you would leave me when I throw a tantrum.

I want to wake up, knowing that my heart is safe with you. 

I want, I crave for security.

Emotional security. 

I don't want to count anymore.

How many minutes, hours seen you were last seen but did not reply my whatsapp

How many minutes, hours since you read my fb message and did not reply.

I don't want to be obsessed about each passing hour, again. It kills me, it does.

I want to actually believe you when you tell me I'm beautiful.

I want to conquer the world with you.

That would be rather awesome, don't you think? :)

I can't wait, and I hope i'll meet you soon. 

Security

Emotional

Financial

Physical.

In that order.

I think that is what I am looking for right now.

It's time to let go and move on now, right?

Take good care of yourself because I would like to grow old with you.

5 Things I Would Like To Tell My Future Love

APR. 21, 2014 

By CHARM VERGARA

1. Go on as many adventures as possible.

I hope you’re going everywhere and doing everything. Hang out with your friends. Travel a lot. See as much of the world as possible. Try as many exotic foods as you can. Climb mountains. Join Fun Runs. Go diving and skydiving. Explore this beautiful world. I hope you’re starting to check off items on your bucket list because one day, when we’re finally together, I would like to hear all about it. One day you will share all those stories with me, and maybe we’ll try to do them together too.

2. Find yourself.

I hope you’re taking time to get to know yourself. Take time analyzing what you really want to do in life. Love yourself and be strong for yourself. Some people enjoy being needed but I what I like is to be wanted. You are your own person and I hope you know that you don’t need anyone to complete you. One day we will be there for each other not because we can’t live without each other but because life is much more colorful when we’re together.

3. Live your life.

I hope you’re taking risks. I hope you’re not hiding under the covers to make as few mistakes as possible. Go out and make good and bad decisions. Do not be afraid of pain or failures. They are there to make you appreciate the good things. I hope you’re as in love with life as I am. Enjoy the sweetness and bitterness of this roller coaster ride. Life is short and I don’t want you missing out on anything.

4. Take good care of yourself.

I hope you’re keeping yourself healthy and fit. Eat vegetables. Eat fruits. Hydrate. Get as much sleep as you can — more than you think you need. Exercise. Do all these for yourself and for me, and for our future kids. One day when we’re already both wrinkly, we will enjoy the senior citizen benefits together. We will play bingo and have weekly brunch with all of our children and their children. Take good care of yourself because I would like to grow old with you.

5. Pray for us.

I hope you’re praying with me every night before sleeping. I hope you’re praying for me as much as I am praying for you. Pray that we may meet. In the right place. In the right time. Because I’m hoping and praying for the same thing, too

available at http://thoughtcatalog.com/charm-vergara/2014/04/5-things-i-would-like-to-tell-my-future-love/#KtsHI0dgWjtkFpST.01

It's okay. I'm okay. We will all be okay.

Really.

I really am now.

Don't worry, please don't.

There is no need.

And I know how tiring worrying can be.

I can focus,

Which is a lovely familiar feeling.

It feels nice to fall in love with my books again.

It feel wonderful to be able to absorb information without my own thoughts interrupting myself.

I can read again, story books I mean.

I can read without losing interest.

I sleep better, longer.

I am ticking off items from my to do list,

slowly but surely I'm on my way to making it shorter.

So it's okay darlings,

Everything will be okay.

It'll be better.

I'll be better.

We'll be better.

I promise =)

MDO 2013 :)

The number of emails I sent.
The amount of tears I shed.
The amount of stress I went through
The amount of meals I skipped.
The number of times I wanted to just walk away.

But I'm glad I didn't. Because now, 

I get to count the number of hidden smiles I had watching my team trying to cheer each other up.
I get to count the number of times they told me to keep calm and trust them.
I get to count the number of times they told me not to worry, despite them being so worried themselves.
I get to count the number of "thank you for such a great tournament"
I get to count the number of people who vowed to come back next year.

There's so much more than just a debate tournament.

There is a family I never knew I could be close to.
There is pride and satisfaction that a group of people who knew close to nothing about debate ran the biggest tournament in the country.
There is true friendship, where they can see beyond the smile you try to put on your face.
There is relief that my worst nightmares are replaced with the most beautiful memories.
There was encouragement from so many people, when I really did not believe in myself anymore. 

Let me write certain things here that I never ever want to forget.


The bad :
1) When they made my boy cry. That hurt so bad. That just tore at my heart into a million pieces.
2) When they scolded my runners. That was pretty maddening too.
3) When adjs go missing.
4) When chairs and panelists are late.
5) When debaters are late.

I will remember the bad, because i need to remember how much my team went through. How much unnecessary pressure certain parties had to add onto our plate. I was just so disappointed as to how easily they shoved our faults into the spotlight. I was disappointed that supporting us wasn't their main priority. I was most disappointed that the didn't trust us enough to run it ourselves. 

But more importantly, i want to forever remember the good :)


The good :
1) "ok dun wori.. all cun.. keep calm and trust me" ~Shiva
2) " keep calm harpreet is here. don't wory"
3) vigness a.k.a baby calling me to report that all is well at the airport :)
4) Numerous debaters asking me if everything is okay, telling me that it's great, that it would be over soon.
5) Looking good during the tournament and torturing my feet at the same time.
6) walkie talkies! :)
7) The standing ovation that both my runner directors had. priceless i'm telling you, priceless!
8) The look on JP's face when her best dressed fashion show became a reality :)
9) When kanchana and myself breathe a sigh of relief after all the runners report that all debate has started after every round.
1o) "I don't think I ever saw you resting. In fact, you were holding a walkie-talkie and going around to deal with tournament concerns the whole time. Truly, a humble and exemplary leader! Don't worry, we will probably get to talk more in future tournaments! Seeing how much effort you put into your responsibilities was more than enough"
11) people actually participating in the games we had during break night. and the fact that they enjoyed bowling :) 
12) " i knocked two doors at the same time you know. until my hand also want to break already"
13) Laughing at stupid things in the tabs room in between rounds.
14) Having people dressed in their cultural best during the grand finals night :)

Thank you so much for all your effort lovely people.
Thank you for the support you gave me.
Thank you for all the jokes,and the laughter, and the crazy ideas.
Thank you for being there, thank you for staying.
Thank you so much for making me believe I could do this.
Cheers guys!
Let's go for an amazinggggggg appreciation soon :)

If I shout loud enough, would u hear me?

Growing up in an Asian community, there's always the pressure of achieving perfection. Excellent grades, excellent degree,  excellent pay, excellent husband and eventually having excellent kids to continue the cycle. Excellence has always been the mantra from day one.

Now don't get me wrong. This constant aim for the best has done me good. Excelling in the things you do will open up doors of opportunities. It makes things easier in the long run. Less rocky winding roads and more smooth straight paths.

And then I entered high school. This was the place that demanded perfection. Where signs of weakness are condemned, failure is severely punished. We were constantly told to be flawless, and undeniably scores of excellent studies.

But there were side effects. Side effects that became one with our being because we ignored the flaring symptoms. We created masks to conceal our pain and our fears. We became so self dependant because opening up meant revealing a weak spot for attack. We couldn't, wouldn't and blatantly refused to ask for help even when we were clearly cracking under the pressure. We pushed harder, stubbornly believing that if we held one for one more day, things would miraculously be alright. We knew that it was not a feat that would be accomplished alone. But we were just too damned proud to ask for help.

Sometimes, willpower worked. We exhale sighs of relief. Other times, we were broken.Shards of confidence n pieces of our heart scattered all over the floor. And we continue shielding these wounds from the world behind a bright smile, silent tears at night and a stream of vows promising to do better next time.

Schools and education in general work in a funny way. Despite the thousands of ways they have been  taught to achieve perfection, there wasn't a single lesson on how to deal with flaws Not one.

We were placed on the tallest pedestals when we did well, but we were left to rough it out when things got hard. It's part of the learning process they say.

Well I now plead to you, educators whom I know wish for nothing but the best for us. Teach us the lessons we need the most. Teach us to ask for help. Teach us that imperfection is acceptable. Teach us to put up the warning lights when we are sinking. Teach us that asking for help is acceptance that we can't do it alone. Teach us that silence won't solve the problem, asking for help will. Teach us that you will be there for us even when we dont deserve it, and that you will be the help we were looking for. Teach us, sir, that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but that of humility and strength.

Ask for help because you deserve to be rescued. Ask for help and you will receive. Ask for help even when you don't know what you need. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to feel exhausted. Its okay to want to cry. So ask. Help will come, and things will not be so bad any longer. Ask.

突然很想要哭。
太多我控制不了的事情。
好害怕。
好累。
很烦。
urgh.